I wrote last time about my debilitating anxiety. About a week ago, I woke up from a horrid nightmare. I woke up just before I was murdered. I couldn’t think about it. I couldn’t not think about it. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I woke up my husband, and just tried to stop thinking about it. I didn’t want to talk about it, but needed to talk, so my mind would stop going there. It’s still there in my head. I can still remember it. It’s terrifying.
I’ve always had very vivid dreams. I don’t know why, but I don’t always like it. Sometimes when they’re good dreams, I don’t mind them; this time, it sucked. I was trying to hide. I was trying to run. I couldn’t do either. I woke up just before I was caught and murdered. Even in my dream I knew what was coming.
I have also always had issues with friends, and with adjusting to new places. When I was in college, I started seeing a therapist – psychologist – something. Whatever you want to call her. She worked for the school, and Liz was going to help me. I hoped. After seeing her a few times and telling her all the things I was concerned about, what bothered me, the things that I was dealing with, and EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. having her laugh while she was talking to me, I couldn’t deal with it. I was seeing her because I needed help working through my issues. Laughing at me while I was telling her how much things hurt didn’t help me. It hurt me more. So I stopped going.
Fast forward a couple years – college is done, I am living in Dover with my now-husband. I started back seeing someone for the anxiety again, and ended up seeing two different people – and was thoroughly insulted by one, and laughed at by the other. Do all therapists laugh when their patients are telling them their biggest fears, their concerns, worries, problems? It was happening again, and I was mortified. Maybe it was me. Maybe it IS me. Maybe I’m just more concerned than I need to be with the issues I THINK I have.
Then there was the one that asked if I was suicidal – and proceeded to answer her own question – as she laughed. “No, you’re too afraid of death – hahahahaha – you’d never kill yourself. Hahahahaha.” I never answered her question – it didn’t matter to her that I’ve never been suicidal. She didn’t even let me answer her.
So though I’m having trouble getting past my fear of death and dying without professional help, I’m terrified to start seeing a therapist for fear of their reactions. I don’t like that I can’t trust someone I’m supposed to – especially with something as fragile as my fears. I would love to be able to find that help I could definitely use. It has been 4 years or so since I last talked to a professional, and though I think it’s time to do it again, I’m worried that a) I’m going to be laughed at again, and b) it’s not going to be worth it. Maybe once I get the ankle under control I’ll venture back in that direction.
Have you ever had someone you trusted laugh in your face when you were spilling your guts to them?
Thoughts and Musings 
First off, none of them should have ever laughed at you, and especially never made a joke about suicide. What a terrible person that “therapist” is.
Honestly, I think the reason this is coming back now (your anxiety) is because you’re worried about not being there for Logan. When you were in colleg, did moms fall happen before or after the anxiety intensified? If it was after, it’s probably a fear of not being able to control what happens in the future. Plus, if anyone had died or was dying when this started before, that can raise your anxiety level too (grandma and grandpa perhaps, and now Theo).
Just let everything go. All the stress and anxiety will get the best of you if you let it. Of course death is a scary thing and certainly not something that brings good thoughts, but just that should just encourage you to live as much as you can. Spend time with Jason and Logan, time with just Jason, and time with just Logan. Keep yourself busy with positive things that will keep your mind off the sad/bad things. And most of all, realize that if you ever need anything, you have 3 pretty superb sisters that will be there if you need us. Love you! 🙂
The funny thing is that it never really went away. There is no “coming back” of anxiety, because it never went away. I have had issues with anxiety and being terrified of dying since I was 5. It just never stopped. I don’t know what started it. And I don’t know how to stop it. I just know how to get around it. It’s terrifying.
Anywho. I know you guys are all there for me if I need you – you’ve all shown that multiple times. Love you!